...I can't stay Ms. Somber with Concern forever just as my girl can't always be the Miss Happy Pants she pretends to be, I'm back with more.
First, I am OVERWHELMED with the amazing comments and emails I have received. The sheer numbers of you who have stepped up and said: "Yes, I was/am there and I understand" have helped me feel stronger and given me more hope. I have never doubted that things will get better in time and with some help but sometimes that is hard to embrace that in the midst of things. Every single one of you are so appreciated. Thank you for offering of yourselves.
Hands down, aside from seeing my girl suffer, the hardest part of this has been the disbelief. Yes, some family, some friends, you name it. I know they love me and they love Claire. I also know they don't understand. It does not matter how much I try to explain. All they have seen is my social butterfly who always has a smile. They think I am over-reacting and just really can't get beyond that to educate themselves (even though I tried to educate before Claire's adoption). The 'babies don't remember crowd' can be a tough bunch. They don't see who I do when the scratching fest begins. It has made me withdraw some because I see the look in their eyes that says...'get a grip, she's the happiest kid I've seen'. The support here and from the pros and other parents who have been there has kept me afloat. Heh, everyone ought to know by now that if this gal reaches out then SOMETHING is up. I am a never-ask-for-help and do-it-myself kind of gal.
Today the physical therapist from the early intervention program came. Small world, it turned out to be the woman who bought my condo 4 years ago. She deemed that Claire is doing great moving forward in that sense and kept commenting on how happy she was and how it was clear she was bonding with me well. I just let it go...why bother? We're starting with the attachment pros next week. Of course, Claire was putting on her class act with her and with me while there. She was hugging my neck (gently rather than death grip) and giving me kisses and stretching out in my lap. Smiles galore. Sometimes I, too, think I am insane. But, tonight we had another freak out around bedtime albeit shorter lived. In the time it took me to change her into her pajamas she had drawn blood in her favorite clawing spot. I have assured that there is nothing physical causing her distress in this area. It is completely her anxiety. Out of pure exhaustion for her today, sleep has come readily and I am thankful.
I have read and heard several times that it is good when the kiddo can be loving to the A mom in social situations....even when it is far different alone. It has been said that the way the child behaves toward the A mom in front of others is how they really want to express themselves but that they can only do it then because they do not fear being rejected so much in front of others. One-on-one the child feels the need to do the 'rejecting' first because they feel safer (more in control) that way. The child feels like the rejection WILL come but just not in front of others as a rule. I'll let you know what the experts say in support of this or not. I, of course, would love to believe that to be the case. It would assuage my soul that she really doesn't want to send me down the river quite yet.
I scheduled my own time to freak out today (a mom has to do that). I went to the back yard in the pouring rain for about 15 minutes and cried my eyeballs out. I've been concerned about going back to work tomorrow. I spent a few moments indulging fantasies that I could write the great American novel in a couple of weeks or invent some magical 'As Seen on TV' thing that no one could live without and thus I would become independently wealthy overnight. Then reality came back to me with the tears. I feel SO much better. It was such a catharsis...really. The neighbors may be reporting me soon because next thing I knew I was cracking up laughing....all by myself ;0P It dawned on me that if it weren't so sad it would be extremely funny. Here the cosmos has done a number on the two of us. I am, admittedly, a gal with some deeply entrenched trust issues as an adult. I do have good reason but, yes, I need to work on letting more of it go for sure. It is a real challenge for me to trust. So, here I am with this wee gal who, in her young mind, can trust no one at all. We've been tossed in the ring to emotionally duke it out as mother and daughter. You know what, we'll do it and when we get to the other side all the smiles will be real. I suspect being Claire's mom will help me grow every bit as much as she will.
So, you can bet it is not easy right now. I am not one to soak in the problems, however, and prefer to rise to the challenge. I will keep it real here and I appreciate, again, that so many of you have come forth and reinforced that progress WILL come as it did for you.
My girl and I are both a couple of tough nuts to crack but I believe we will make for one fine mix when all the shells are off.
Monday, April 20, 2009
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41 comments:
"BIG HUGS".. I really have no comments as I have not been in this situation yet..
I know I will be and I know that all of the things I have read from all of you will help me in the long run..
I know you are always doing the best things for her..
Hang in there..
As a future single mom (LID 7-22-06) I just want to thank you for your honesty! I am so thankful that you are telling it like it is. I want to be as prepared as possible even though my story may be different than yours. Your openness is extremely appreciated! I will be praying for you and your daughter! Continue to take the time you need for yourself - crying and laughing in the rain is a great idea! Big Hugs to you and your daughter that this time of learning to trust for both of you will be quick.
Tricia Thompson
www.tmifamily.com
The comments from people who don't get it can be so hard. But you know. You KNOW. You're doing what you need to do to help your girl and you'll both get through this.
You will be in my constant thought as the work week arrives for you & C.
(((HUGS))))
Sending you a big hug.
I've been where you are now. I really understand. It will get better. Really.
You are doing awesome, keep moving forward.
I have read your blog for a long time and never commented. I was in Jiangxi a week ahead of you adopting my little beauty. I wanted to say that I so much appreciate your honesty about this painful subject. I am thankful to have your experience to learn from. And as the mom of a special needs little boy, we moms that have to really work at this stuff end up as better, and more appreciative mothers. I am sure you will figure out the right road for you and C.
God Bless You! Claire has one of the best "Warrior" Moms going to battle for her. You will get through this. Claire will Heal...two steps forward and one back at times but continually moving forward. Your right. It's going to be HARD. It may take months or even years to get to the point where one who has endured for 14 months what Claire has endured can trully be free of RAD/PTSD. Too much happened...or should I say DIDN'T happen in those first 14 months of her life.
Their brains are actually wired differently because of the lack of nurturing and sensory stuff.
We have just started a Neuro Reorganization Program to hopefully rewire Ava's brain and thus get her out of functioning continually in "Fight or Flight" mode. It is an easy yet grueling and labour intensive program that can be done at home by yourself...but must be done daily for 1-2yrs to be effective. The belief is that by rewiring the brain to how it should have happened,if child was raised in a nurturing, sensory rich environment where all their needs were met, then the brain is now in a better place to accept the attachment work. In fact many attachment therapists refuse to do work with families that aren't also doing neuro work. No preaching here...just wanted to put it out there in case you haven't heard about it. Only few centers in the States and none in Canada provide Neuro Reorganization. We went to the North West Neuro Training Centre(NNTC) in Woodburn, Oregon. I chose them as they have a large client population of adopted kids with RAD/PTSD. Once you complete the program, that's it, your done...unless you get a head injury or something.
I too have those fantasies running through my head continuously of how I could become instantly wealthy and not have to work and could stay home full time with Ava...even considered Home Schooling in these fantasies. Then reality knocks me square between the eyes and I enjoy one of those "Bawl Fests"
Big Hug for you, and a High Five for Claire.
Thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for you and for your little one. Sending healing hugs and wishes for better days ahead.
I have NO DOUBT that you two will get through this. ((HUGS!))
Thank you for your honesty and sharing. This stuff sure scares the living crap out of me as I anticipate starting my life with Tate. You are an amazing momma and example to us singles mommas out there.
I have been out of the blog world loop for 10 days and just catching up. I too have not been there done that with an adoptive child but are so thankful to you for sharing - We are awaiting a waiting child who will most likely be "older" and reading and learning from everyone before us does help. Sending you and Claire big hugs from SW West Florida - I also love how real you are - I laughed picturing you laughing outside also - that would be me - I'm occasionally caught by my neighbors talking to myself ;)
Thanks for being so honest when others would put up a wall and pretend. We need to talk about these things so they do not come as a surprise.
You have a large portion of this battle fought just by recognizing it AND doing something about it.
I too have had it with the "all kids do that" and the "you are over reacting" friends and family. As much as you talked about it and advocated for the processes....they still do not get it. The looks and the comments are just too much at times.
Take care and many hugs!
Again, thanks for such honesty and vulnerability here.
A few more thoughts...First, Claire is clearly very bright. The fact that she has down such an act and can tell when to put turn it on and off is really quite remarkable. I know it is very common for our adopted little ones to be such "happy good girls" in public ( my little A does this, too)but the fact that they are intuitive and observant enough to pull it off really shows real underlying strength. Obviously, we will want to channel it into more healty an authentic behaviors down the road, but the fact that she has pulled this off so "well" makes her a pretty remarkable and strong little girl.
I totally agree with what you have been reading. The fact that Claire shows you her real pain, is a really great sign. It speaks to her sense of safety and building trust in you. I know it is VERY hard to sit with this, but you are doing the right thing. It will eventually improve.
In the meantime, keep crying in the yard if you have to. It's a lot to carry around.
OK-I've missed a couple posts and then finally get a chance to catch up and see this.
wow. I'm sorry y'all are going thru it, but you are SO wise to be getting help right away. It has taken well over a year for us to see some of Elizabeth's issues as attachment related (they're so subtle and she's such a great actress!). We've only had 1 visit so far with the attachment therapist and it was so enlightening!
I will pray for you guys and for Claire's little heart to completely heal. Thank you for being open and honest enough to share this so others can learn too.
We've been home a year now with our daughter. It took her about six months to settle down and not freak out everytime I left for work. And I was leaving her with DH, not a day care! (He works early days and I work late afternoon/evenings) But I think things really started to change when I finally thought to tell her "momma will always come back" when I was leaving for work. Then at night when she woke up from bad dreams I would say "See, momma came back, just like I promised". She couldn't talk yet, but she seems to have understood.
She also did the self scratching thing and scratched us too. She still does it once in a while when she gets really mad - as only a two year old can!
I can only say that my hat is off to you and all the other single parents out there doing this on your own! I'm not sure I could have made it through intact without my husband, and my parents with their sound advise!
And finally, may you find the perfect people to help you both on your healing journey.
My son spent the forst 10 days of his life in Nicu. Because he was tremendously ill. When he was 3 his babysister got pneunomia and she was in hospital. The momebnt we entered the childrens ward the smells took me back to the nicu. Justas I thought how glad I was he wouldn't rremember my son started crying and was visibly trembling. The nurse who was there immediately asked has he been in hospital. I said: as a newborn. She said they know, they really do.
I am out of the babies don't remeber camp. They remember they just don't have words to jco ntain the memory...
Mijk
Thank you so much!! I'm trying to talk about attachment with family and friends and it's not an uphill battle...it's like climbing a mountain. They just don't seem to want to get it sometimes!
One thing I've used that has helped them understand a teeny, tiny bit when they say a child is too young to remember is to ask them, 'when a baby is born, do they know their mother's voice?' of course they do and when this voice disappears this is their first major loss. Many seem to understand that a bit and it helps them begin to understand how important attachment is.
I am so very, very sorry you are going through this and if I could I would change it for you in a moment. That being said, I am also forever grateful for your willingness to share here and teach us some of what you're doing with Claire.
Love you friend. Thank you! Praying for you...
It does get better, it does get better. I always found it interesting to read about the folks who said "I have her, now what?" As if this is not a continuing process. I am glad you are working through things, getting help when needed. It is what you both need- time.
Know that I am thinking about you. I know this is so hard right now, but you both will get through this. People told me this and I did not believe them, but they were right.
Again, you know where I am should you need anything.
Hugs to you.
Even though it may not seem like it, you have a terrific handle on things. Hang in there--it will get better.
Thanks mama.
For your honesty. For sharing your story. For enlightening all those ignorant people who believe adopting is "saving a child" and the rest is a fairytale.
You are doing an amazing job!!! I don't have an adopted child, but I do have a very close friend who was adopted and as he's gotten older, it has become very clear that it's not just the initial abandonment that causes intense pain. It's also the repeated (and probably unavoidable) neglect that's found in orphanages or foster families. Obviously, some children are not neglected in the slightest, but many are. His counselor has been very clear that the neglect can be even more difficult to cope with. But, the good news is that it is okay. He's great, just has a little issue pop up once in a while and from your posts, I think that you are probably one of the most prepared mommies out there. :) You're doing everything you can to help her and that will heal her.
Everyone has already said it, but I just wanted to add my support.
You ARE on the right track.
I am sad that you cried but I hear ya on letting it out. I so appreciate you sharing this and being a voice to an issue that is not talked about.
Thinking of you both.
Keep smilin!
"I suspect being Claire's mom will help me grow every bit as much as she will.".....
You bet it will sister. I can honestly say that when the light comes at the end of this tunnel, you will not have traded it for any possible fairytaled journey out there.
Thanks for keeping it real. I've been totally annoyed lately with the mass numbers that think the child will be so 'grateful' for bringing them into our families. You will get there & we will be right there with ya....(said as I get ready to travel the same path)
Love, hugs & high fives for Claire.
Thank you so much for your honesty in what is going on. As a soon to be parent (lid 3-27-06) I am trying to prepare myself and my husband for what could happen so that we can make decisions if needed to seek help like you are.
Really- your honesty is teaching so many of us about the possibilities. Thank you!
And I do believe it will get better. Just keep on keeping on.
Love your positive attitude. The whole mom gig is hard and the adoptive piece throws in some unique monkey wrenches that not many folks really understand.
(((HUGS)))
I can't wait to talk to you this weekend. I do believe this will pass and yes, at times it's hard to hang on.. especially with all the nay sayers who can't believe there might be issues! It's ten times worse when it's family.!!! My friend who commented...they were so good about accepting and doing what we asked with Maddy. Now she genuinely goes to them with love and affection but still looks back to make sure mommy or daddy aren't far behind. Everytime I see that now, I feel fairly confident that our bonding is surviving. However.. I'm always on the look out for different things because I know there is so much more to unlock.
You will make it through. You will. You are awesome! Just keep on doing what you're doing and in the end you will have your precious girl and she will have you forever.
I'm sorry it has to be so hard, but our most precious and prized outcomes often come from the biggest trials in our lives.
I will have you and Claire in my prayers.
Hugs
Hugs. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
Great to see your f/u post. Obviously no one can promise you anything but if your devotion to Claire is any sign, she's in great hands and together you'll conquer this. So many of us have been through it but like other things, it's tough to always come forward. How much do we want to publish or who will judge what is said? The reality is the best thing we CAN do is be honest with ourselves, those close to our children and one another so we all learn from these processes. While no 2 children are alike so many of these traits are a result of trauma though each child will respond to different methods. While my wait was 2.5 years, I truly am glad I had that time to educate myself for if not I might not have seen the signs to know what I was experiencing, let alone my dauhter. In our case, things are going GREAT but there are still those moments. I don't know if these memories ever go away but with love, time and the right interventions I believe the majority of our children will be okay. My PAD was pretty short lived but I'll never forgot how helpless I felt having anxiety attacks for the first time rendering me useless to anyone. In my case going back to work saved us both since I needed to get out and she needed to be with children. Keep doing what you're doing and know you always have places to turn. Asking for help is a sign of a courage and never a weakness.
i can glimpse all the magnificent colors from where i sit... right here from where i sit. i know it's hard when you're sitting in that rain, but it too has it's purpose, it softens that shell, for both of you.
i am so honored to be witness to this most important part of your journey together. so privileged to have been invited even a little way in- and my guess is, knowing what i know of you Miss C, this is a long way in, a deep way in. I thank you for it.
It's a long raod, it's nice to know you packed wisely...I see so many around me in complete denial.
We waited too long to get professional help...my fault, I was a bit shell shocked, even though I'm trained in detecting attachment issues/post partum/post adoption depression, and had read a mountain of books about attachment in adoption...I was still caught off guard, because you can read every book in the Universe but the reality is what will sneak up behind you and hit you on the skull with a reality shovel!
This is what the 'community' is about...support, understanding and HOPE.
Your daughter will be proud of you for being her warrior.
I'm proud of you for trusting yourself and knowing your daughter well-enough to face all this. And, for putting it out here for all of us coming along behind. You're courageous and strong - and I know you know that.
Nut-cracking is hard and painful work.
Thinking of you
Oh god... I am so sorry. I wish I could say words that would help you both get thru this. You know you will. People say it - you want to tell them to piss off.......... but, you know it will get better. I have learned it will...and now am "re-learning". The thought of you crying outside in the rain tears at my heart strings. I know how hard this motherhood thing can be - WITH another person...you doing it totally on your own, well hats off to ya sister. Really, I have so much admiration and respect for you. Follow your gut - follow your heart, it it really will be ok.
Much love and smooches!
Hugs, friend. I am so proud of you. xo
Since I have not yet walked on this path, I can only offer support. Thank you for sharing this part of your story.
You are really amazing and inspirational. You are doing all the right things for your baby and you, which isn't always easiest to do as a mom. :)
Please forgive me for being late with my comments, I normally read your blog every day but I had an impromptu trip to take to N. Fla, and my parents' have crappy dial up.
CW sounds just like Kerri. She was the perfect happy kid in public and had mild to mod RAD in private. It certainly sounds like you are taking the steps to get help and are on top of it all, but having been there I know how hard it is - no one believed me and I cried myself to sleep every night for a year (attachment issues was a "taboo" subject back then).
You will get through it, it will be worth it, and you both will bond stronger because of it. My wild child, who would scratch and kick and bite and not make eye contact is now a loving child. Although she still has control and trust issues, and the trauma still affects her with sleep issues, she has come so far and is a happy kid. If you ever want to chat with someone who has been there and done it, let me know.
Oh, and the well meaning people that don't get it - my Mom was one too. She came around eventually, but it took three years and not until she finally witnessed one of Kerri's "moments". I just learned to tell her thank you for her advice and not follow it, and read tons more attachment books again. Just keep in mind that what works for one kid won't for another: I could not forcefully hold Kerri to tame her tiger, lol.
Kerri tells me she wants to be just like Mulan, and I agree: both CW and Kerri are "girls worth fighting for". ((Hugs))
I have been that mom in the back yard crying one minute then laughing the next, you are not alone! And don't worry the neighbors don't think your crazy. Thank you for writing about all of this C, it has been on our minds a lot in our house as we are approaching referral. Your candor has been comforting and most appreciated. Thank you and hugs to you!
Coming from Tongumomma's blog...
Katie, home for almost 18 months, still has major trouble separating from me though it is much better than it was this time last year.
For months after bringing her home, she would grind her teeth...out of the blue, even when it seemed she was "happy" and playing. She would NEVER do it when we were in a social situation, and almost never did it with Dh....but it was almost constant that first month home. She has stopped for the most part, but will grind her teeth if she has been stressed over something (usually dealing with me or Dh leaving her in a new place or with someone new). I'm sorry you are dealing with scratching behaviors.
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