Lately, I'm thinking I may need this tee. I understand that it is mentally healthy if one is aware of their psych manifestations. Well, I'm aware. I am sure what I am feeling is, in fact, entirely normal. It just isn't typical of me. Of course, I've never been in the situation of being on the brink of meeting my child before. So, how DOES one define 'normal'? I'm smart enough to avoid trying to define that one ;0)Anyhoo, I am starting to drive everyone around me a bit squirrely. I get moments when I feel 'something is going to happen to mess everything up'. I know this is ridiculous but that doesn't make it much easier. It is what it is. Considering the current economy, I should be thanking my lucky stars. I have a stable and rewarding job. Not every day is perfect and some are lousy but I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Still, I am anxious. I suspect this is rooted in the fact that it will be only me taking on this responsibility in many respects. Yeah, I'm ready and fine but it makes me gulp because it will be such a change. Matter of fact, I KNOW that is the worry because this paranoia about things staying stable in my life started after the day-care searches....precisely when I got the reality-check of so many options - none of them even close to perfect. I'm feeling very out of control about that so I am over-controlling other areas and making people want to clop me over the head with a big stick. I even want to clop myself over the head with a big stick at times. It's quite the accomplishment when you actually get on your own last nerve ;0)
This too shall pass. Yes, I know all will work out just wonderfully. I truly do believe that. Despite that fact, I also know that many people in my life will be VERY glad to pack my tuckus up and put it on that plane to China! They'll probably have a bigger party when I LEAVE than when we come back ;0)
I will just keep looking forward to those first weeks home together when the whirlwind of dust from referral, travel and so much planning is swirling about me. What an amazing ride and I am, finally, at the front of the line. Wow...that's all I can keep saying like some kind of dolt....wow.
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20 comments:
Let's see... Nine referral days out from a referral picture of a four year old, Italian speaking Chinese boy, yeah, I'd be paranoid too. ;o)
I think there will be celebrations in Ohio, Kentucky, Jersey, Georgia, and Florida - just to name a few. This country is going to be rockin' come referral time. :)
Then the dust will settle. You and 'Jackson' will be home getting to know each other while the rest of us jump on that Paranoia Platform one by one. Well, 3x3 around March 7 & 8 referral days, and you'll be there to walk us all through it! :o)
I am not as close as you are, and I am starting to feel the same way.
I am with Google Reader now - I found out your blog wasn't updating on Bloglines either.
You are going through a very normal period in a paper pregnancy that is about to have it's water broken (referral). And if I remember correctly, I went through all the same hormonal changes (especially the emotional ones) of a pregnancy. So take a deep breath, take it all in, and enjoy every feeling. It only happens once for the first time, and we forget all too fast about it once we have our little ones homes (and that's a whole new set of craziness!). And control? Forget about it. The only one in control will be your child, LOL!
This a a tuff time right now for you.. You want so hard to beleive all will go as it's suppose to.. But you don't want to be disapointed yet again by another set back. It's O.K. to be feeling the way you are feeling right now.
We are listening to you!!! and understand
Wendy
wow indeed...I'm kind of slightly freaking out at this point. A good freaking out as Mali's mommy says...but all the same...
So hoping that referrals go to the 24th so there's a chance we can red couch it in China. Otherwise I might have to traipse it up and over to Ohio again one day. Sheesh. Much easier to meet up half a world away, yes?! Thinking of you and your lil' one.
Regarding the toilet poll......... Start practicing now for the squat toilets. You will build up some nice quads. I vowed the next trip to my next son to wear a lovely jean skirt commando style. In the U.S. I cover, cover, and cover some more in t.p.
Don't worry about the adoption. I would say most of us all were deer in headlight mode. I hate rollercoasters with a passion and stay off every single one at Cedar Point. But, I felt as though the entire wait for my son was a slow ride uphill on the scariest rollercoaster only to get him and we are still both screaming with glee going around bends and turns four years later. I think you are feeling everything normal the rest of us went through. I spend months before, flying to and from China and arriving home saying WTF, WTF, WTF have I done????
Best damn thing I ever did in my life!!!
Gloria
Trenton, MI
Normal!? Who the hell wants normal!? And is your definition of normal the same as mine? Uh. Wait. It probably is. ;-)
Everything you're going through is perfectly on target for your paper pregnancy. When Sandra & I were waiting for our referrals, we were absolutely nuts. I even stopped sleeping for a few months!
We were in shock (pure excitement type) when we received our referral and never looked back. I would advise, that you have someone close to you stay with you for at least a full week when you return from China. We needed it! Food, sleep, laundry, visitors, appointments, especially when Murphy visits... etc... all can be overwhelming when you are sleep deprived.
I think DH replied to you about Flip; we love Flip. Our daughter #1 has one now too and her MIL.
Life is too grand - hope you can enjoy!!
Alyson
Celebrating 21 days as Mommy to Alyzabeth!
Normal is what you make it. Do what you do, because what you do is good. I have so loved being along on your ride in this journey and I can not wait until the day arrives that you share your sweet joy with us!
WOOOOO HOOOOO!
Wow is right, girl!
I love living this part again vicariously thru you...what a rush!!!
It's definitely "normal" for you to be loopy...what would it say about you if you WEREN'T!??! I mean, really!
You are totally normal! I was completely neurotic before we received our referral ... I drove everyone around me -- including my husband -- insane.
Man oh man, I remember all of these feeling so well. Add in the "I cannot believe I am starting all over again" factor and I was a card carrying looney toon!
Hugs my friend; your baby's presence will cure what is ailing you. Then you will at least know for sure that you are in over your head...welcome to the club..hehe!
I was sooo nervous before referral too. A complete basket case! But once you get the referral, there is so much to do and focus on right before you go, you kind of go on auto pilot. That's what happened to me. You just work on getting it all done because you have to. Then all of a sudden you are sitting on a plane to China in total shock - LOL! You have so many wonderful things to look forward to and I am so excited for you!!
I have two words for you: RMN CALM
Totally normal to feel anxious...hell..I think about your pending referral and I need a Xanax and martini chaser!
Please note that the partying for your referral will not only be limited to your home country. More then a few Canucks will be partying down in their igloos for you.
Keep smilin!
I was a basket case waiting for referral. I just missed a cut off and knew I would be next. I would cry at a drop of a hat and be up at 2 am moving the liquor cabinet. (we wouldn't want bambino in the hard stuff right?)
I remember pre-referral as being very in my head, very big picture, very emotional, still with too much time on my hands.
I remember post referral pre-travel as a long run of trying to get everything done. I would continue to think of things I needed to do. The list never got smaller.
I remember as soon as K was in my arms that I was eternally "in the moment" and could only think of perhaps a day at a time.
Two years later I can alternate between the big picture stuff and the immediate moment part.
I think we all manage the best we can. Do have someone there to help you. (Kate and I would be happy to help if you need ANYTHING at all) My SIL was phenomenal during the transition to the house as well as the time change.
I needed lots of people to talk to at times, because I just needed to talk. (which surprising enough is not my normal MO now)
There is so much anticipation, joy, stress, adrenaline, attention and yes, some craziness. Enough every moment of it.
Let me know if you need anything at all. We'd be happy to help.
Teehee...that whirlwind is gonna last a lot longer than a few weeks! :) But, thankfully, it's a fun whirlwind.
This sounds so familiar. I remember feeling like I'd lost a 100 pound anchor after we received our referral. Jim and I were just floating around the house.
Bloglines is working again. Yippee!
It's an all out sprint to the finish line and my heart is beating faster and I'm completely out of breath. This referral thing is harder than labor pains.
There will be a Florida celebration!
WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW !!!!!!!!!!
SOOOOOOOOOOO excited for you!!! :)
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