I have kept very busy with a lot of the 'particulars' that happen post referral. I've taken care of the paperwork and am awaiting the TA so I can really 'get packin'. I've noticed a curious change. In the first days after referral I would stare at PIPA's picture and think 'Look at that cute kid'. Now, when I look at her she isn't just some cute kid. She seems so much more familiar - like a face I've seen for ages. Yes, I know some of you are shaking your head and thinking me an idiot for 'bonding' with a photograph. But, it works for me. I realize my daughter will likely have changed a LOT since her referral photos. But, the fact remains that she is still my daughter and the photos I have are my first tangible experience of her. They will always be very special to me even if she looks little like them when I have her in my arms that first time.After referral, I was busy enough at first that I didn't feel the sting of the continued waiting like I do now. My entire life has become focused on getting to China and meeting my daughter. The post-referral dust settled and I find myself with little to do (outside of work like a mad woman) but count and recount the minutes until I can get on that plane. Once again, it becomes that game of guessing. 'When' will referral arrive? turns into 'When' will TA arrive? Believe me, I really hope it comes in before CNY. But, I'll just have to wait and see what's in store for us as patiently as I can.
I did receive word that PIPA has received her care package and that warmed my heart. I sent two cameras as well and I hope the nannies are able to get some photos for both of us. It is just such a hard thing for me to imagine that the day is coming when my sweet Qing Ying will be bundled up and taken on a long journey to her provincial capital. She will have no idea that her life has drastically altered course at that very moment and nearly everything she knew from her first days will be gone. Yes, I know in the long run that all WILL be well. Still, thinking about those early days for her is very, very hard for me. It will be my first lesson as a mom that I can't fix everything. A difficult lesson it is.
Okay, so I'm getting all verklempt here. I think it best I just go back to reading more about the history of her province and city for a while.
By the way, today brought a raging heat wave of 13F. Ugh.
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M's referral pics sit (framed) on my nightstand - they have been sitting there since I got them back in 2005. They still hold just as much meaning as the day I caught the first glimpse of my beautiful little cherub.
It's funny reading all of your thoughts these days. I remember going through the same emotions, just like it was yesterday. It's exciting to think of all the fun that's in store for you.
Nothing about China or the emotions/obstacles u face will be easy - but somehow none of that matters when she's in your arms. U just take things moment by moment, and hold on tight.
SO SO SO excited for you & PIPA!!!
Very soon life as you know it will take a change - not so unlike the change that Pipa will go thru - there will be tears/laughs/worry/happiness etc - Once that magic day gets here - you will truly know how it feels to wear your heart outside your body!
May your travel come as fast as possible!
Carol in Sunny FL where it is in the 40's - burrr
You said it all so well. I remember feeling this way as well. Except for the part about not having a lot to do but work and wait - we waited to do the rather elaborate "nursery" until we had the referral. So we were exceedingly busy. But yes - I also worried about her world turning upside down and became rather bonded to a photo. Looking at it got me through the sucky plane ride to Hong Kong. I don't think much else would have. Thanks for sharing!!!!
My daughter from China was my first! I was pulled into her eyes from the first moment and recognized her immediately as someone I had known a long time at the moment when she was first placed in my arms. A friend of mine who has adopted SIX times from China describes the wait from referral to TA as being "a tiger in a cage". I am so excited for you finally being able to see her face an soon her sweet cuddly baby-ness!
I don't think you are bonding with a photo. I think you are bonding with the little girl, your daughter, who you have been in love with for months and months now, years actually. It sounds perfectly normal to us. Finally you have the face to go with all that love.
enjoy every second of it.
Yes, the nightmare that unfolds for Pipa in the first few days is ghastly and the memory of Lily and Rosie's first few days can still make me cry but it is just a very tiny speck on the radar of their lives, your's too.
Look at us now...better yet don't.
We are just so very happy for you and can't think of a better person to be feeling this happy.
You're doing so well as it's such a tough spot to be in. You want nothing more than to have Pipa in your arms and yet you have to wait. The picture is your daughter...YOUR DAUGHTER! Cool!! It's wonderful to hear how she's already imbedding herself in your heart.
How beautifully you put it when you said one of your first lessons would be that you're unable to fix all her hurts. As a momma it's what your heart wants to do and you'll be there for her, helping her through the grieving process so you will be helping.
Love you sweetie. Praying your TA arrives before CNY! How long after TA do families normally travel?
xo
I agree with Dawn. I think you're bonding with her, too.
For all this time, she's been a dream. In all honesty, little more than a figment of your imagination. Now, there's a picture; she's real. You're bonding with her and the idea that she's a living, breathing human being.
I remember staring at Sera's picture while we waited and trying to imagine what her day was like, her laugh, her cry. This was what made her real to me for the first time. It was when I finally let myself believe it was going to finally happen for us.
The reality is even better.
I remember feeling you are feeling after receiving J's referral.
I totally understand your emotions. Here is to hoping that TA gets here fast!
We loved our girls even before we met them, even before we saw their pictures, Strange but true. In one case we got a totally different girl from the photo we received and I still feel for her and wonder where she is and what happened to her all these years later.
No one would say and they kept insisting it was the same girl we were given........when it clearly was not. Still, we wouldn't change our Beth for the world.
As I read your thoughts I remember back to our referral and how I "knew" Maisie and recognized her as my daughter. No question, I was attached and bonded to my cue ball cutie from the first moment I saw her piccie. Keeping hope that your TA is here this week.
Yep1 I think this was the hardest part of all. Although you are doing a great job keeping busy :) I hope your TA comes soon! I am so looking forward to watching your next chapter unfold :) :)
I love what you've expressed here. I did find my experience to be very different, but I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks for sharing what is on your heart.
I love reading how special everything is for you. every moment, every little detail about your sweet girl. :0)
As much as I loved and showed everyone Maddy's referral picture, I don't think I bonded until I actually saw her. I think this occurred for many reasons but mostly I think because I was like.. yeah.. btdt. :0(
I LOVE reading the exciting feelings of those whom this is their first child. It's like hearing a birth story. Wait.. it IS a birth story.. right! :0)
You are a momma bonding with your baby - in the only way you can right now. I remember gazing at Lily's referral picture ALL THE TIME. I carried it in my apron at work and would pull it out at least 10 times per shift. It's all good. And, the waiting post referral was the absolute hardest for me...I described it as "a new level of painful". But it's true what everyone says - it all melts away the moment you see her face to face. Ah! I am getting all choked up for you.
XO
Oh man, I am getting verklempt just reading this.... I am a bucket of tears, set off by anything to do with our gals. I think there will be magic witnessed next week... tons of referrals and TAs!!!
Lisa
13F?!!! Crickey!!! It was a scorcher here (I reckon about 100F?!!)
I don't think you're a whack job. The very first time I saw Tari's face... I had this overwhelming feeling I'd seen her before... so I'M the whack job?!!!
I think your TA will arrive this week. Rumor has it that referrals will mailed the 23rd and TAs are usually sent just before.
Sure with I lived closer, I have LOTS of projects to keep you busy. Plus it's supposed to be a tropical 43 today!
It really is worse than the 3 year wait I think. You just want to GO...get there, and get your little girl in your arms. You stare at her face and and dream of all the new that is to come. Its hard...but keep busy - do all those last minute things....wait...you already have. OK - well, what do I say? Shop? Enjoy this time, as soon you will be in China...and the next part of the adventure will begin!
There's nothing wrong with falling in love with a picture. It's like you said, this is the first tangible item you have of your daughter.
I can't even imagine what it would be like to now wait to go get her. I'm sure you'd pack and be on a plane today if you could.
Love that she got the care package. I was so sad that I cried when my brother informed me that the film didn't catch in the type of camera they sent in the care package. I guess the "old fashioned throw aways" they have access to aren't like our foolproof ones. I have Ellie's referral pics everywhere still and I still search them often for some sort of clues of what she was like, where she was... I think that after waiting soooo long for a PICTURE/REFERRAL that it feels surreal that there is a real baby at the end! =)
The day after Donna received referal picture, we went to lunch and she pulled out Laurens picture and put it on the table. She said Lauren is having lunch with us for the first time.. After receiving Lauren in China she called and said She is the right child for us , it's like she just fits... You have all that to look forward to..You are bonding with her now and will know her so well when you first hold her. Enjoy this time and we will be following you in China a few weeks.. Lind
Your blog these days is like a history of my own thoughts. As if I am being brought back 2 years and 2 months. So very happy for you.
Oh, you are beginning such a sweet season of your life. I'm so happy for you.
I still need to get a little something out in the mail to you. Sorry for the delay.
:-)
as many people have said, that picture means the world to us. I keep mine close as well. That was my son the minute I saw his picture.
She is yours - after so much waiting, it's only natural for you to bond with her picture. Here's hoping that your TA gets here in the not too distant future - like in the next week or so!
Fall in love again every day! There's nothing like it in any other experience that you'll ever have. Enjoy it!
Glad to hear you are so in tune with how traumatic this may be on Pipa. Some parents in our travel group really weren't prepared for the mourning their little girls went through those first few days. So many changes in their little lives. Yes, for the best in the long, but pretty scary for them nonetheless. I'll never forget my daughter waking up after her first night with us...she took one look at us and started screaming, as if to say "I thought it was a horrible nightmare!" It took about 3 days before I could hold her facing me. And, pretty quickly after that, she was holding onto me for dear life. (These days, she's often too busy to give her mama a hug...)
The referral pic is strange. We rec'd 3 by email. The first one we saw was the mugshot, not really the most attractive photo. I didn't even post it on my blog preferring the others which I thought were cuter. Strangely, within the week, I loved the mugshot. I had completely bonded with this little girl and felt totally committed to her. Like you, she felt very familiar to me.
I get it.
susan
mom to Georgiana dob 1/7/2008, ours forever 12/8/2008
I am just amazed at how you are looking at everything since the referral of PIPA. I think seeing that beautiful child's face just changes everything. Your heart is telling you that you've known her for ages because your heart HAS known her for ages. It's kind of funny because when I read that, the face that belongs to Emi (that's what I've started calling her in short for Emilija) is one I've seen a million times in my dreams and if I close my eyes and stare long enough, I see her right there in front of me. OK, eyes are pricked with tears now.
Oh, and I'm lovin' the goodies PIPA's receiving. I'm sure there's much more to come.
The waiting thing sucks. Especially the length of your wait, but man, it's going to be incredible when she finally comes home with you. I can hardly wait FOR YOU!! Fingers crossed those beuracrats get it together doublequick.
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