1000 Days

I have reached a milestone that has been ever-present in my head and heart for such a long time. It has been 1,000 days since my log-in-date with the CCAA. It has been many more since beginning this journey to you, my child.

The wait has been long and difficult but certainly has been sprinkled with blessings along the way. I only hope that you have found blessings as you have waited too. I am sure that we have both had angry times and sad times as well as times when there is simply no understanding of why things are as they are. Certainly, the one thing I know that you do not yet know is how life is going to change for both of us very soon. It will be change that turns both of our lives upside down. Although the transition will likely have its early difficulties, the future is full of such promise for both of us. It does cause me sadness to know that I have been able to enjoy this hope but you are unaware of things to come. It is the spirit of hope that has seen me through to you and that I always wish to share with you.

There have been times when hope has only been a faint glimmer for me and they have been hard. The darkness has shown me the exuberance of the light. I would force myself to stare at the tiniest bit of light remaining and remind myself that the greatest joys and love in this life only come when one is willing to risk pain and stand strong. I grew through that experience and, because of it, I am a better person and will be a better mother.

More recently, the light has been growing steadily stronger. The hope is looming right in front of me. You are coming to me and I to you. After having the predictable peak level of hope that I became accustomed to during this wait, the sudden brightness of it all made me anxious. I felt as though I had to put on sunglasses and run in endless circles around the light shouting to myself "What am I going to do now? What am I going to do now? You can't let yourself get excited about this!"

Finally, just days ago I was sitting doing other things when that bold light of hope sneaked up on me and I didn't have the chance to go into my frenetics about it. It felt warm, soothing and safe. Suddenly, all the frenetics and worry about when I would first see you and where I would be at the time were gone. It may be two weeks, it may be eight weeks...but it WILL be. I am absolutely at peace with that now. There is no gain from worry about things I cannot control. It has been in letting go that I now feel I am holding on to you more than ever. In the ways that really matter, I am truly as ready as one can be and I remain hopeful that I can make the transition as easy as possible for you.

Beginning soon: our new life...our family. I look so forward to what the next 1,000 days and far beyond hold for us.