The Empty House.

"To make no mistakes is not in the power of man; but from their errors and mistakes the good and wise learn wisdom for the future." - Plutarch

A computer problem cut me off from easy access and, as a result, I reconnected with other areas of my life. C and I have been a busy pair and all is very well as we approach 7 months as a family.

A few weeks back we were strolling my prior neighborhood along the path that was my running route for several years. Although I could no longer hope to run it right now, I feel so connected to that route. It is as though I know every line and dimple in the street. Being there took me back to a time of my life that was incredibly happy for completely different reasons than the ones that fuel me now.

Every evening on my route I would trot by one particular house and see a modern-day Norman Rockwell come to life. So often I would find the yard graced by kids and parents playing with the dog. Other nights they would be inside gathered in the front of the house all sharing the evening meal. I never knew this family more than to wave a greeting. But, I made them the family that represented an ideal. Somehow it was comforting to have the belief that this family really DID seem to have it all and appreciate it. I am a realistic adult and, on the intellectual level, know no relationship is without trials. Still, they were my banner carriers that the nuclear family could survive and thrive in the generations following my parents. I suppose having grown up in a two-parent home I saw this as 'the norm'. But, as an adult, I have encountered so many very unhappy people - in realtionships and out. It is disheartening. Indeed, even my own situation of being burned severely has left me with no real interest in pursuing a relationship. (Good thing since there is absolutely no time for that these days ;0) I am more than happy devoting my attentions to my role as my daughter's mom. Still, it was a comfort to believe 'that family' could work so well and they always held a special place in my fond memories.

I passed the house for the first time in nearly five years. It was empty. It was for sale. Of course, my fantasy land led me to believe they had been transferred and were living in another city as happily as they had seemed to live here. The neighbor was out in his yard so I decided to inquire. I wish I hadn't. I was told the house had already changed owners more than once. My ideal family has left me with a sad heart. The boy who I saw with his parents so many evenings when I ran by took his own life nearly three years ago. His parents divorced less than a year later. Their daughter - I cannot begin to imagine what has come of her life. I did not even really know this family but they surely have been on my mind often these past weeks.

Is nothing what it seems? I suppose I am not so jaded that I am spared disillusionment and sadness. There are just too many lost dreams and hurting souls. I sometimes get overwhelmed by it in my work and other relationships. One day at a time. But, I have the gift of treasuring this age with my daughter. The joyful innocence of it all is so good. It gets me through all the other 'stuff'. I do worry about the time when the innocent joys are a thing of the past for her. It's a tough world. I will do my best to prepare her with a wise mind,sensitive spirit and a compassionate heart.

It's enough for now simply to want for my child only to laugh often, sleep restfully, and know in her soul that she is loved.