This is the little fluff hanging on the door of The Wing's room as she is snoozing away. "Shhh...whisper please" it says. Indeed, I like for my girl to get her zzzzs. We're both better when that happens.
Despite the post title, this blog IS truth in all moments. Most of the time it just isn't as open. The Wing and I had a wonderful day today. There was nothing at all off-putting about the day. Instead, it was very pleasurable. It came to me, though, that I did spend a lot of time recounting the experiences through China and those first days home to a special friend. There were moments that were literally awful in those first days and to speak it out loud could bring guilt if I let it....and let it I have.
I have been truly blessed with a healthy, happy, beautiful baby with a winning personality. She sleeps like a dream (now) and, for pity's sake, rarely even poops a diaper. How could I complain about ANYTHING? I waited for ages for this child to come to me. How could I complain about ANYTHING? I love her dearly. How could I complain about ANYTHING?
How? Because I am human. Despite the absolute comparative breeze my daughter is, I still get frustrated sometimes. Immediately, I feel horridly guilty about getting frustrated but the emotion still comes at times. I don't expect this will ever go away. After all, I am sure she experiences frustration too. ANY relationship is going to have some of this at times. Certainly, it isn't anything severe on my part. I just won't cut myself any slack on feeling even the least of a negative emotion and I have got to let that go. I am growing into a new role and,certainly, with that comes challenges. I meet those challenges and feel, overall, like I have a great handle on things but I simply get frustrated over the moments I get frustrated. Wow - that is a little confusing. The bottom line is that even though I know the 'rainbows and roses' view was all BS, I still wasn't expecting to FEEL it those times when the frustration comes. This is an area where I need to grow. It is OKAY to feel and process everything that comes. In the end, it will make me a better parent when I am not so hard on myself. I do have some kind of superwoman delusion that needs to be jettisoned! After all, I really don't want my daughter to be like me in that respect....I am too much of an independence freak at times.
I spend this evening knowing my wee funny, sweet, beautiful daughter is snoozing just feet away from me. How truly lucky I am. I do know this. That doesn't mean this gig isn't hard sometimes and it's okay to recognize that.
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42 comments:
6 years later, & the frustration still gets to me at times as does the total joy of parenthood. Just because we were dying to become parents, doesn't mean that it isn't hard at times. No matter what happens, no matter how crazy Erin can make me, I always remind her both verbally & by actions that I chose to be a mommy & will always love my child.
I'm sure that you will have all this with The Wing.
Those feelings you have now, yeah... they last a lifetime! It's ok to feel frustrated, if you didn't.. you wouldn't be normal.
I always thank God for creating kids who love unconditionally, kids who forgive parents for not being perfect. :0)
It's a growing process and one that is definitely worth growing in to.
Yep. That's motherhood. The frustrating, the guilt, the wonder, the joy...all wrapped up in an absolutley adorable little package of a person. Just try to go easy on yourself - like that'll happen. ;) ((hugs))
Thank you!! Someday soon I'll be feeling those very same feelings and you sharing this will help realize that I'm not alone...and will get through it.
Thanks for your openness and honesty. Truly appreciated!!
I am usually just a lurker but I wanted to reply to this post. I have six children, all healthy and wonderful...yes I am blessed and lucky. That doesn't mean I don't have rough days. There are days I want to pull my hair out.
The feelings of guilt are normal...you are a mommy. You will have those feelings for the rest of your life. You are going to be tired, wonder what the heck your doing at times and there will be those days that you lock yourself in the bathroom just to have a minute to yourself : )
By the way...your daughter is absolutely adorable!!!!! : )
Gah! It's parenthood! No matter how you got here, it definitely has its ups and downs and you're only human for goddssake (you ARE human, right??? ;)). And I really hate the creepy (dishonest) women (and men) who gloss over the crap and act like every poo is floral scented. Doesn't help out anyone!! But I always find it hard to believe that the bad is more than the good. They are just tooooo incredible!
your post is beautifully written. I think more parents should be open with these difficult emotions, that we all know that we are in the same parenting boat together!
I think that it is completely cool to be honest and to keep it real. xo
Welcome to True Motherhood. You are only human and bound to be frustrated at times.. The trick is to learn to handle it and not beat yourself up. No parent is perfect and neither is any child. Sometimes a child needs to see that you may need a time out also. You still have alot to handle.. Donna calls Lauren her 1 baby wrecking crew as she never stops going. And her house always has toys everywhere. But she has been learning to let go of clean house anytime soon. Lauren has begun to act like a 2 yr old as she disappeared and was quite for a few minutes, I went to look for her and she was in the playroom, I looked at her face and said stick out your tongue..Lo and behold in her teeth and on her tongue where all these flecks of color, red, blue & green, her white toy bin was colored the same colors. Lauren did not like having her teeth brushed and her tongue cleaned of those crayons she tried to eat. Donna handled it well as Lauren was screaming and gramma was holding her, Donna said this is what happens if you eat crayons Lauren, you might have some tears...Impressed me that there was no yelling except from Lauren. You new Moms have it together more then I ever did. Linda
I know EXACTLY what you mean and couldn't have said it any better myself.
This isn't an easy adjustment. You went from having a life of your own to sharing it. And that means being completely unselfish. It is a hard adjustment. I still miss peeing by myself.
I think you are experiencing what my infertile friends experience once they become pregnant and subsequently give birth to their babies. They feel as though they "shouldn't" complain because so many people would give their right (insert body part here) to be where they are. However, parenting is the HARDEST job on earth. Hands down, there is nothing that can be more frustrating, more guilt-ridden and more amazingly rewarding all at the same time. Frustration is one of the job qualifications. If you weren't feeling it, you wouldn't be fulfilling all the requirements of the job.
No one will (or ever should) fault you for being open, honest and real. It's why we all love you so much.
Emma will be home 3 years this July and now we have a wonderful little boy who is home for 1 month as of yesterday. I think that we let the "idea" of motherhood color our perspective sometime and that when the frustration comes. (at least for me) My mommy gave me lots of advice before she passed on mommyhood and I just remember her telling me that bad times do come but to give your self a little break and as long as the " bad moements" are feww and days are mostly joyus, the "bad times" will soon be forgotten. Tell them you LOVE them alawys and apologize when you goof. They will love you despite yourself (lol) Your doing a wonderful job!! Don't be too hard on yourself.
This gig is hard with 2 parents. The frustration level runs high for me on many days. I, like you am, a type A, do it now, do it all, get it done, person. I juggle a kazillion things and try to make it work.
If you figure out how to make it easier let me know please. Oh and don't forget you are still finding your stride and that does take time. I hope I have found mine after this long!
The good outways the bad but somedays "those" moments just make my night guard even more important. :0)
Take a look back to my posts during the first few months we were home with the Rose I think I wasa in a fog.
I've been a mother for 6 years and I feel that I still need to grow in the whole frustration department.
Last night when Jazzie was still awake and crying at midnight because she had "sniffies", I got extremely frustrated and I wish I got redo how I handled that situation.
I SO understand what you are talking about; you know I do.
You are doing great.
It's the hardest but most rewarding job in the world. And if you think frustration is hard - wait until you experience GUILT. Ugh, that one gets me every time!
Guilt? Sure. Frustration? You bet. I think it's worse for working moms--just my opinion. But don't feel frustrated about being frustrated or guilty that you feel guilty. It's perfectly OK to feel the way you feel, and you're already a terrific mom!
Welcome to the club, my friend. I have found that it's better for me to just put it out there and talk about the good AND the bad. Otherwise, I feel like it's something I need to hide and that makes me feel like it's pathological. Anyway, if it helps you = please DO talk about the hard stuff. You konw you are helping other moms who just haven't felt comfortable talking about it and who may worry they are alone.
Well said and so very true :)
Mixed emotions, guilt, pleasure, fear, love, throw in some more guilt, love, etc. etc. etc.
Welcome to motherhood!!!!!!
If more parents had your level of insight, Social Services would not have the staggering number of cases they handle. Frustration is normal, articulating that frustration is healthy. I totally get the guilt part, as sometimes I live in Guiltville. Keep on processing and thanks for sharing.
Keep it real.
That's why I love reading your blog.
First time poster here...I am a single parent to 2 daughters from China. I had it sweet and easy with my first daughter from China. She is 7 now and still to this day is so easy going. My second was a totally different story. She cried for 2 days straight in China and once we were home, she didn't sleep all night for 2 months straight. I have never felt so much frustration with her, but I wanted her and I too felt quite guilty. Still to this day (she is almost 3) she has been my challenge. Motherhood is frustration, but the rewards far outweigh the difficult times.
Debbie
As you have probably read in several of my blog enteries, this motherhood things is about holding onto both sides and sitting in ambiguity. For me, this has lead to a log of growth. Sounds like you are a great mom with very normal feelings! I often find myself feeling guilty when I put A to bed, vowing that tomorrow I wold .... a little more. I know I am a good mom, but am also a human being doing this alone. Be kind to yourself and know the good and th frustrations are all part of the package.
Single mom with 4 here . . . I know the frustrations and the guilt. However, in the Fall I customized my license plate to read "4XBLESSED" and I have found that when I am really overwhelmed just walking behind my car gives me pause. I take a deep breath and I can rejoin the family feeling refreshed. There is something to be said about having an "attitude of gratitude," but as you said we are human so we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves! We do the best that we can and hopefully better today than yesterday.
Nancy
So very honest and true and I felt (and feel) sometimes exactly the same way.
Plus I still mourn some of the freedom I had to pick up and meet friends, go out, etc....would I trade for the world? Nope, but do I sometimes miss that freedom? sure..
It's transition...Wing was a human child with her own needs wants and desires before you got to her, so you both have to find your way. You are both evolving into that family unit. I felt tremendous guilt complaining about my child at times, because I waited so long to become a Mom...but that's the human in me as well :)
Kelsey not a good sleeper at night, but still a champion napper thank goodness!
You're doing great, as is Your Little Wing-a-ling! :)
It has been six years for me, and I still get very frustrated. I think it's part of my personality. I am just sorry that my daughters see me "lose it". Argh.
I often think about my Mom who did this with few resources and 4 (sometimes difficult) children and I am in awe.
Holy Moley, Your daughter is beautiful. I am glad you are not having any major adjustment issues. Hey, it sounds like your pretty normal with all the thoughts your wrote on your blog and I for one appreciate your honesty. I think that is why your blog is obviously so popular, because you share yourself, which is not a easy thing to do.
Thank you for freely discussing the frustrations. I certainly wish someone had told me about that ... but 'back then' everyone was not honest enough to speak of it! Thank you!!!
Mary McG
in TN
Yes we have to speak the truth here. I have found this "IA wall of guilt and shame" that nobody talks about. We NEED to talk about it. I felt like I was the worst mother ever for having the feelings that I had...until a complete stranger admitted to me the feelings I had bottled up!
YES....you are a good mother because you love your precious CW. YES you are human and will continue to have those same feelings. This is the hardest job I have ever had....being a mom. But, it is a job that I love.
You couldn't be more normal!! I think we all need to be honest - otherwise we breed a culture of "secrecy", which in turn, leads to all sorts of other issues. I read a few on books on post adoption depression before we brought Tari home. Its so sad that parents don't feel they have the "right" to feel overwhelmed, or frustrated. For goodness sake, the kids are our kids, whether adopted or biological, makes no difference whatsoever.
Your feelings are valid. We love you for the fact that you can say it. And love you because you are one amazing Mum, raising one amazing daughter. The wing is so blessed to have you as her Mother.
I think everyone feels that way! Hang in there, Motherhood is hard but it's the BEST!!!!
Your daughter is adorable!! Lucky Mommy, lucky baby.
Welcome to parenthood. Frustrating, guilt producing, sleep depriving, heart warming, beautiful blessed parenthood!
:)
Donna
Our blog: Double Happiness!
Obviously by all of the comments - you are NOT alone in these feelings. We do beat ourselves up when we aren't walking around on Cloud Nine...I mean, we waited so long for these babies and moved heaven and earth to bring them home afterall. BUT, it is still VERY hard and VERY tiring and VERY frustrating sometimes. And it's OK to feel all of that. Glad you are settling in to the normalcy of it all. Just because we admit it isn't always fun and games, doesn't mean we aren't eternally grateful for the gift!
I hadn't checked in for a couple weeks. Looks like you guys are doing GREAT! I love the honesty and sincerety in your posts (as well as some of the sarcasm - lol!) Keep being true to you and your girl and everything will be just fine :)
Yup. =)
You're right - you are HUMAN! Ask me how many times a day my husband and kiddo drive me to insanity??? Ask me how many times I get so frustrated that a child can't follow directions and do as I say? Ask me how many times I get frustrated when my 5 yr old talks back to me and tries to tell me what I'M going to do? You just accept that you have bad days and go to bed hoping the next one will be better.
No parent is perfect. It is what it is. You just do your best.
I agree that it is frustrating and mostly tiring for us. Every time I look at AA and all the love and excitement of having a little daughter just melts my heart!
We have the ups and downs; I look forward to each day that dawns new; for us each day still gets better and better.
What a blessing children are!
Alyzabeth's Mommy for Six Months
Dude, I so agree with you. Ruby is positively scrumptious but as my mom reminds me.....sleep deprivation is a form of torture. and I'm an old dog learning new tricks as a momma :)
Hang in there. And breathe!
First time to comment here but I've enjoyed following.
Thank you for your honesty. You are right on - it's a mixed bag but so worth it.
You have a cutie-pie there!
www.atlastmilanascominhome.blogspot.com
Being a mom now for fourteen years, the guilt never really, okay no it never goes away. We want the best for our children, we give the best to our children , yet we don't give ourselves any credit. Celebrate all the moments good and bad because we learn from them all and that is what parenting is all about. Hugs to you because you are amazing C!!
Honey, don't feel guilty about the frustration stuff. It happens, we all go through it and we all are human. I do promise it gets better with time. I am about 75% better than I used to be. You are an awesome mommy.
P.S. Love those new sneaks...COOL!
Hugs,
Jonni
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